Sunday, May 17, 2009
* Incapable? *
Everyone feels incapable once in a while. Insecurities and regrets (physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually), are being suppressed and thrown at our subconscious mind and somehow they get out, even in the oddest situation. How do you handle it? Do you let it get in your way? Or do you throw that pandora box back to where it belongs?Seriously, it still depends on the coping mechanism of one person. No matter how perfect one can look, how one can answer different questions thrown to him, nor how rich a person can be, insecurities never fail to exist. This is one bold reason why a lot of people commit suicide, engage in infidelity and even kill. For others, instead of letting it pull them down the drain, they continue to improve what they lack.
In this modern time where everything can change in a snap, one will endure anything to cope, especially now that the world is experiencing global crisis. I'm sure a lot are dying to improve and hone their skills to be accepted in certain jobs. And when you get that position, something crawls up your spine and tell you something is not right, this wouldn't be enough and something has to be done fast. Overdoing it sometimes gives a person the opposite of what he wants and even deserves. This twists and turns deliberately depends on what the person really wants to achieve in life.
Contentment then comes in. Even something close to perfection can be deceiving. No one is really given the gift of contentment. Yes, you could say you are contented. But ask yourself, is that what you really want in life? Have you reached your goals and is it doing good to the people around you? What have you really done to achieve this contentment? Were you alone when you have done it? So many questions... Insecurities come creeping back your spine, regrets remind you of what you could or couldn't have been today, you are either contented or wishing for more, eventually, you either become happy or depressed.
Sigh. In relation to what I'm feeling today, I really do think I am incapable of certain things. Such as? Cooking for one. No matter how I try, I can't seem to get it right. Time budgeting is such a hard work I rarely complete my requirements and responsibilities. And the worse part is, I feel that I am incapable as a sister and a daughter to my family. I haven't spent real time with my family for the past weeks even if we're together. I'm ignoring much of the advantages a family can provide as a support. A lot of my friends tell me that I'm lucky that I'm still living with my parents and siblings, that I don't need to be home-sick(unless when I'm in my community duty), I get to see them, hug them and even share the burden life may be throwing.
Sadly, I'm covered with shit and I ignore much of this attention and care. I even risk the respect I have for them when I need them to hear me out. See how incapable? But it isn't all the time that I have to stay deep down. I also dig my own feet upward because despite this, I have the initiative to approach problems that arise within the family and I value every member even if we have different beliefs when it comes to religion. I know I have failed a lot but I used it as my cornerstone to reach what I am today - strong and brave. I'm a young adult coping to the near transition of being real independent after all.
***
A clean break - which i have been meaning to feel the past weeks is what I have for now. Coffee, my pen and my ruler has been my constant company during my duty days and I'm going back to that lifestyle on Thursday. I have been waaaay to busy that I didn't even text my mom the past few days! I feel guilty, really really guilty. I know it's not a reason to forget communication even though I was buried with requirements. Sigh..
